What's in a name?

My boss at the superannuation firm where I work wants an impressive job title for our newly minted Business Development Officer. It can’t be anything to do with sales or marketing, she tells me, because this might put the punters off. And business development sounds a bit too much like sales, so it gets the flick.

How about ‘Customer Relationship Manager’? I ask, through gritted teeth, trying not to think about how many times I will bash my head against my desk if this new girl is promoted from ‘officer’ to ‘manager’ before she even starts, especially since I’m a lowly ‘coordinator’ – the fact that my big trap will have caused the rise is just icing on the cake.

Luckily, the boss is not sold.

‘Client Liaison? Superannuation Consultant? Adviser? Planner?’

‘She’s more like a guide,’ the boss says, ‘guiding clients through the retirement maze’.

‘Tour guide, then?’ I snort.

I quickly arrange my face into a mask of seriousness when she shoots me a look that needs antibacterial Ajax.

‘Just kidding. Retirement planner? Retirement specialist?’ (Sounds like a geriatrician.)

‘Yes, yes. But more like, you know, someone who puts together all the right options for you. Like an interior designer...’

‘But for retirement?’ I try not to smirk. I really do.

‘But for retirement!’ She does that mini double clap thing to emphasize that I’m on the right track.

‘Retirement Designer, then? Retirement Architect, perhaps? Futures Facilitator? Futures Artist!’ (Bullshit artist? Oh, that would be me.)

‘Senior Tomorrow Engineer? Chief Horizon Strategist?’

I am astonished that she hasn’t picked up the tiniest ounce of sarcasm which is just about pooling on the desk in front of me. But I can practically see the thought bubble over her head as she envisages how these titles would appear on a business card.

She sighs and her brow does that little furrow thing. ‘I don’t think we’re quite there, but give it some thought and get back to me.’

Sure. And while I’m at it, I’ll put together a proposal to change my job title to Almighty Bullshit Goddess.

Image: Pixomar