Rules for naming your children

Cruetly to children is rife.

Taylynn is not a boy’s name; it’s an affliction. And Laquishita is a full blown disability.

Some parents ought to be incarcerated for nomenclature crimes against their children.

Not mentioning the obvious like checking the poor kid’s initials don’t spell P-I-G or something, here are some guidelines for coming up with monikers for your offspring:

1. You are not a celebrity. Naming your child Fifi Trixibell, Moon Unit, Pilot Inspektor, Kyd, Sage Moonblood or Apple is not going to make you (or them) a star. It is just going to make you a laughingstock.

2. Made up names are unique for a reason. Ayliana, Jolissa, Jezeret, Keilyn, Novalee and Harpel sound like trailer trash.

3. Name your child something the average person can pronounce. Not:
• Choire (COR-ee)
• Chia (SHY-a)
• Jaii (like Hawaii).

4. In a similar vein, don’t pick a normal name and spell it in an exotic way. If you’re calling your kid Jane, spell it J-A-N-E. If you want to go really wild, throw in a ‘y’ (although unnecessary letter y’s are generally a key indicator of stupid spellings). Do not spell Jane:
• J-A-I-N-E
• G-A-I-N-E
• Z-S-A-I-N
• Q-B-U-K-L-E.

5. Don’t spell something backward: Nevaeh, Nivek and Ekin are plain bloody lufwa.

6. Consider the dangers of noun names. Patience could be Ritalin dependent, Sunshine could be an emotional vampire, Hunter could wind up a weedy kid with Coke bottle glasses sticky-taped together and bandaids on his knees, and Chance might not stand one.

7. Theme names are bad. If you name your kids on a theme, they will divorce you and no one will blame them. These are real:
• diseases (Fever Bender, Cholera Priest, Mumps Sykes)
• food (Bread White, Mustard M. Mustard)
• professions (Cook Cook, Doctor Love)
• sins (Avarice Sullivan, Sloth Washton)
• pets (Good Dog)
• ...and if you thought Wednesday Addams was unfortunate — wait till you meet Monday Monday.

8. It’s not funny to name your child something that sounds like a phrase when you say it (especially if it’s a bit off colour). The following are real names:
• Henrietta Grubb
• Naught E. Bishop
• Theresa Green
• Ima Whore
• Mike Hunt.

9. Don’t name your child anything that includes non-alphabetic characters. Prince was making a stand against Warner Bros’ commodification of his name when he changed it to a love symbol and even that was not cool. The following are not names, they are demonstrations of your stupidity:
• La-a (La-DASH-a)
• ½ (this kid will spend half his life trying to be whole)
• @ (pronounced 'ai ta' in Chinese and meaning 'love him' - hard as it is to believe).

10. Anything to do with transport is idiotic. Here are some examples of what not do:
• Kia (it’s a good thing the kid wasn’t born in an Oldsmobile)
• Busdriver (this is going to be especially weird if the kid grows up to be a plumber)
• Number 16 Bus Shelter (this was upheld by the New Zealand courts).

Possibly the worst baby names I have ever heard are:
• XTL (CRIST-al)
• Abcde (AB-sid-ee) – really.

Children are not accessories. If you want something with a ‘cool’ name, buy a dog or a boat or brand your home brew.

Image: Dynamite Imagery