1. Carlton Cole ‘Carl’ Magee – he invented the parking meter in 1935.
2. Justin Bieber.
3. Whoever the hell invented automated phone answering (press one to…) and IVR (where you have to actually talk to a synthesised voice).
4. Justin Bieber.
5. Kyle Sandilands – anyone who says ‘Have you had any other experiences?’ when a teen confesses on live radio she was raped when she was 12 is lower than an amoeba on the evolutionary scale.
6. 14-year-old radio lie detector girl's mum who put her on Kyle’s lie detector show in the first place.
7. Nero – the first named player of the bagpipes. While he was fiddling, he could have chucked them in with the rest of the Roman bonfire and we could have been rid of their agonised whines forever.
8. Tony Hayward, BP’s CEO who, after the Gulf oil spill, said he had been made a villain ‘for doing the right thing.’ Yeah, right.
9. Dean Robbins – the idiot who came up with the name Vegemite iSnack2.0. Other entries suggested were Ruddymite, Wow Chow and 2ritemite. It’s official, we are a nation of twits.
10. Lindsay Lohan – it’s hard to recall that she is famous for being anything other than a drugged up brat. Ditto Britney, Paris and Nicole Ritchie. Come to think of it, have Paris and Nicole ever done anything other than that?
11. The person who came up with electronic article surveillance – half the time when the annoying alarm sounds at the store exit, even the security guard looks bored. (Ditto car alarms.)
12. Pauline ‘I’m not racist’ Hanson.
13. The person who created Sections 1011-1016 of the Corporations Act – the act that means every time you make an investment, update your insurance or even hire/purchase a washing machine, you get reams of paper in the form of a product disclosure statement. Nobody ever actually reads these and they’re generally on glossy paper that doesn’t burn too well or soak up budgie droppings.
14. Michael Aldrich, who invented teleshopping (aka infomercials) in 1979 in England. I wonder if he envisaged that the average household would wind up with a cardio cruiser, an ab-revolutionizer, three gut-busters, two thigh-trainers and a partridge in a pear tree gathering dust under its spare bed.
15. Mark Jamieson – Tassie professional cyclist busted for child sex offenses.
16. The guy (had to be a guy) who invented Japanese love pillows, a subset of dakimakura (literally ‘hugging pillow’). They have anime pictures of prepubescent girls on them. Grown men ‘date’ them. This is wrong on so many levels.
17. Guy Sebastian – self-confessed cheesy little chubber. His music sucks the very light out of my day and after looking at him I feel like washing my eyes out with Ajax Professional.
18. Mel Gibson – has he lost the plot or what?
19. Justin Bieber.
20. Justin Bieber.
You are clearly my idol hahaha.
ReplyDeletePuberty is going to hit Beiber harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna. The best song Beiber has his name to is the 35 minute ethereal odyssey remix of one of his throw away songs, U Smile. Someone took his song, slowed it by 800% and added miscellaneous effects and classical chords throughout it, it's quite phenomenal. Like whales singing. (http://soundcloud.com/shamantis/j-biebz-u-smile-800-slower) linked just in case you care.
Kyle Sandi-douche-cock-McLoser-fail has been the highest echelon of prime knob-end cockery since I witnessed the hideous chode on Australian Idol. I don't know why I was watching it either.. He's famous for being a 'Bad Boy' critic.. Basically thinks he can justify ripping on people in a overly cruel manner for ratings. I hope an item of clothing he really likes catches on fire.
Keep writing, love your work.
Holy Bartender