How far will you go to look younger?

I was at a dinner last Saturday and a couple of women at my table told me how great I was looking and asked me what the secret to my fantastic skin was.

You could have flattened me with a feather.

Apart from smoking for more than 25 years, my secret is Nivea Visage (about $7 from the supermarket), another supermarket brand if it’s on special or even an economy bottle of Homebrand Sorbolene with vitamin E when that runs out.

I did buy some Roc on Brands Exclusive but even though it makes my skin feel soft, it smells more like tinea ointment than face cream, so I tend not to use it. Maybe it’s working by osmosis from its perch on the bathroom window sill.

So, is there any point spending bucket loads in Priceline?

Expensive face creams that claim to get rid of wrinkles are a waste of money and are no more effective than cheap moisturisers according to tests by UK mag, Which? Forty eight women tested the 12 best-selling anti-wrinkle products. After a month of using a cream from an unmarked pot, only one in five women said costly brands improved their skin. But a third of the cheap cream testers noticed a difference.

Some of the dear ones even caused side-effects, like rashes and spots (I learnt from experience never to try new cocoa butter cream immediately before a party).

Bird poo, sperm, mercury and placenta — are there no bounds to how far women will go to look younger?

It seems not.

If you thought things were out of control with collagen injections and Botox, the newest products promising an immediate anti-ageing effect are synthetic snake venom and actual bee venom.

Then there are ‘vampire fillers’ where a doctor takes your blood and spins it in a centrifuge to extract the plasma. They then injects it below the skin to stimulate collagen. This procedure costs around $2,000 and lasts less than a year. Doctors admit there’s no guarantee the treatment will have any effect at all. (If you think this sounds like a great idea, I've got a really cool briidge I can sell you.)

And for something even more full on, consider stem-cell sculpting where a doctor removes fat from your body under local anaesthetic, then processes it to isolate the stem calls. The concentrated cells are then mixed back with some of the fat and injected into your face. The cost is between $5,500 and $9,500, presumably depending on how haggard you are to start with. The results last at least five years.

Of course, we haven’t even touched on carving up your face with a scalpel and putting it back together again like some macabre jigsaw.

I think I’ll just stick with the Nivea, thanks. But I have quit the fags.


Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net