Time to rethink #2

Dear [shoe retailer].

In about 1975, a guy called Roger Brandt invented the plastic toothpaste tube. Before plastic tubes, toothpaste came in tubes made of aluminium or lead. Worse than the fact that the old lead tubes were so poisonous they could kill you, they also developed annoying little splits and holes along any folds and creases, causing wild jets of blue minty gunk to squirt sideways all over the lapels of your crotchety aunt’s Sunday-best dry-clean-only jackets right before church. Remember?

Anyhow, [shoe retailer] - before I got wise to your staff’s McDonald’s-esque ‘would you like leather conditioner with those’ routine - in addition to my new winter boots, I followed your salesperson’s recommendation to purchase a container of overpriced black goop that turned out to be watered down but glorified Scuff Stuff.

To your credit, it lasted longer than my mother’s box of cream of tartar. For a long time, I used it on all my black shoes.

But I’m sure you have already guessed where I’m going with this letter (especially, as you well know, the slimy dark slop came in a metal tube).

That’s right. I wore it.

Let me assure you, your grimy blackish gunk is just as random and inconvenient as its bluish peppermint predecessor in its side-squirtiness. Also, its aim and timing are right up to its forerunner’s par (three leg splotches and a foot dollop, immediately prior to a performance review). Furthermore, I don’t think even dry-cleaning would remove the oily inky splodges from my skirt, slip and stockings. And the stink beats mint for pongy staying power, hands down.

I tossed the apparel in the garbage, right after the demented tube from hell.

Dun nun nun naaaah...

I’ll let it go this time.

But if I get lead poisoning, I may come back to haunt you (and the toothpaste mob). I suggest you become Roger fans and reconsider your packaging options.

The Monstress

(see also, Time to rethink.)

Image: Yanik Chauvin