5 things not to wear

1. The fiftyish woman I saw yesterday in the bus mall had her look together except for two long grey braids. Her hair was scraped to the sides so tightly that her part looked like a bald spot and her ears hung low. A grown woman using Pippi Longstocking as her fashion muse is just pathetic. Let me spell it out for you: if you no longer get asked for ID at the pub, you cannot carry off pigtails or plaits. If you want to drop 20 years from your perceived age, maybe try a facelift, not hair baubles.

2. This really ought to be obvious but unless you are a toddler or pregnant, don’t wear jeans with an elastic waistband. This includes jeggings (denim look leggings) – especially if you’re overweight.

3. A young woman at work took off her shoes the other day and rubbed her feet around on the carpet. The smell nearly made me gag. Wearing bare feet is fine in the privacy of your own home, especially in the shower or in bed. But, let’s face it, feet are not the most attractive or alluring part of the human body. Taking off your shoes in public is disgusting, even if you have a great pedicure.

4. Don’t wear anything that could be mistaken for a tablecloth. Heavily checked shirts, plaid pants and tartan socks are not cool. Okay, I concede that if you’re rounding up the sheep, a flannie might be okay; and if (God help you) you’re playing the bagpipes, a kilt is probably appropriate. If you really can’t resist the urge to swathe yourself in checks, don’t mix your patterns – impersonating a tea towel is one thing, impersonating a pile of them is a whole other basket of laundry.

5. I’m a big bling fan. Wearing it shows you’ve made some effort with your outfit. But don’t wear so much that people need sunglasses to look at you or that they mistake you for Mr T. And don’t wear bracelets that clink incessantly or the person at the next desk will likely take you out with a stapler before lunch.


Image: Michelle Meiklejohn