The ups and downs of pantyhose

Do you love sexy, silky pantyhose?

I don’t.

Ernest G. Rice (inventor and sadist) ought to be hanged by the neck with nylon for having come up with this hideous garment. But, hey, there wouldn’t be much point, seeing as he’s already carked it.

Apparently ‘spandex and elastane are much more comfortable than the original nylon’. This was clearly written by a man because, in a woman’s world, ‘pantyhose’ and ‘comfortable’ never belong in the same sentence.

How can you be comfortable when a band is digging in to your skin in the place where the undergarment sticks out above the top of your skirt? Hmm, yummy: thick synthetic fabric and red welty skin dents above your waistline, Sunshine.

Sheesh, at least stockings (with a garter belt and a bit of lace) have some sex appeal to make up for your legs feeling like they’re impersonating a pair of about-to-explode sausages. But stockings do tend to cost about three times as much as pantyhose, you can’t get them at the supermarket and their destructibility increases with every dollar you spend on them.

Tights and leggings are alternatives, of course, as are bare legs. Though, from the 1960s, the miniskirt supposedly made pantyhose ‘essential’. Clearly whoever alleges this has never walked through the Elizabeth Street mall on a spring day – either that, or all the visitors to said mall missed the memo.

Some pantyhose have an inbuilt instant liposuction effect in the form of panels that squish bulges into weird and unnatural flatness – which is fine, as long as you don’t take your clothes off in front of anyone.

Ditto if you’re wearing support pantyhose (they’re meant to improve circulation and reduce leg pain, swelling and discomfort). Doctors are now advising some men to wear these. (Great, we'll have a whole swathe of medically induce Brian Adams impersonators.)

Even regular pantyhose make foreplay more like an army camp obstacle course and impede getting to the main event.

Trying to put pantyhose on – especially if you’re getting dressed in a hurry or in the dark – is like wrestling a pair of aggressive giant spaghetti noodles.

Pantyhose do, I grant you, even out your skin tone and offer some concealment for leg blemishes (like that bruise where you walked in to the table after the fourth champagne, winter stubble, razor burn, freckles, unfortunate ankle tattoos or varicose veins). And they are a great emergency stand in for a spray tan if your legs are white enough to illuminate the MCG.

Pantyhose also provide a slight warmth factor in cool weather. But ‘this warmth might mean people who wear them every day might risk developing; yeast infections, urinary and bacteria problems’. (Um, okay, I read this somewhere but I speak from experience when I say this is crap.)

Surfing? Pantihose will protect you from jellyfish stings.

Robbing a servo? Maybe go with semi-opaque tights.

Brightly coloured pantyhose or any pantyhose of more than 15 denier are generally fashion disasters and should be avoided unless you’re over 80 (especially if you're a man). It's black or skin tone. That's it.

Patterned pantyhose can work but only under very limited circumstances.

And pantyhose of any kind look tacky with open toed shoes. They just do. I don’t know why people debate about this.

Finally, if you’re going to a job interview, who cares what you think about pantyhose? It’s about what your prospective employer thinks. Girls, be on the safe side and wear the hose. Boys, maybe don’t.