12 things you'll never read in a Mills & Boon

Mills & Boon was founded by Gerald Rusgrove Mills and Charles Boon in 1908 as a general fiction publisher. They started focusing on romances in the 1930s.

The company has been criticised for repeating plots, the inevitability of their happy endings and a simple writing style, but fans say predictability is a drawcard.

Here’s how a typical M&B goes: a rich, gorgeous, aristocratic and initially unattainable guy (probably Greek) takes advantage of a stunning but poor ingénue. Upon discovering her practically inevitable pregnancy, she runs away from his cold domination to have the baby in secret. He finds out about the child, whisks her (and the child) off to a palatial prison against her will, keeping her locked up until she sees the error of her ways and admits her undying love for him. Pretty realistic, huh?

In any case, here are some things you will never find in a Mills & Boon:

1. 'Oh, Bruiser,' she sighed, 'I just adore a guy with love handles, a beer gut and man boobs.'

2. JD sat in the truck listening to heavy metal, smoking and picking his nose so intently, he nearly set his eyebrows on fire.

3. 'For heaven’s sake, Roxxy, can’t we just do it the normal way in a normal bed? Why does it always have to be on the deck of an opulent yacht, beside a sparkling waterfall or in a magical forest glade?'

4. As she lay, paralytic, on his bathroom floor, he weighed up the bottle of Stones she’d knocked off against the tarty skirt she wore and the condoms he'd found when he riffled through her purse. 'Hey babe, how about it?' he asked and decided her grunt was close enough to consent.

5. 'Sorry, Bubba,' she said, tears glistening in her eyes, 'I can’t give you the precious gift of my virginity tonight. I'm on my rags.'

6. He dropped to one knee and opened the tiny velvet box. He took great satisfaction in her gasp of surprise and delight. Peggy Sue was butt ugly but she owned the adjoining ranch and he wanted the property.

7. 'Oh, Bambi, you look so beautiful tonight – and so does your friend. How about a ménage à trois?'

8. Oh my god, she thought, I'm about to kiss my boss. Then she figured if he didn't come through with a large, glittering rock, she could always sue him for sexual harrassment.

9. She felt hot, sexy and ready to get down and dirty as she posed provocatively before him in nothing but her stretched and faded Kmart undies.

10. Gently, Lucille shook Ronald awake and whispered to him that she thought there was someone in the house. 'An intruder is here?' he said, 'I’m a bit scared. Let’s call the police.'

11. Gloria finger-combed her armpit hair, twirled her tongue piercing and yanked on her mumblers. Tonight, she was gonna find her a man.

12. Duane licked his lips and met the sexy smoldering gaze head on and said, 'Give it to me, cowboy.'