Views from the arse end

So, there’s no getting away from it. You’ve decided you have a big butt. It’s so large, it’s a barge. It is so huge, there’s a construction crew building a hotel down there. It’s so enormous, you can see it with the naked eye from the moon.

So, what do you do? Do decide to give up Clinkers, jelly slice and chicken and camembert party pies? Do you vow to spend every free waking moment at the gym?

Not likely.

What you probably do is try to cheat your way to a smaller arse. (Go on, tell me I’m wrong.)

You wear clothes to minimise your gluteus maximus. You avoid lycra at all costs. You try not to bend over when there’s an audience. And when anyone suggests swimming, you claim an allergy to water.

Newsflash: here are seven butt-minimising tricks that SOOO do not work. So, give them up, okay?

1. Wearing long cardigans
Yes, when you look in the mirror in the morning, your cardigan forms a nice loose curtain over your tush. But as soon as you move, the friction causes your cardigan to cling to your cheeks, thus accentuating your posterior, rather than hiding it.

2. Tying your jumper round your waist
This just murders any waist definition you may have and the fabric adds an inch to your butt.

3. Wearing light colours
Black clothing camouflages shadows and this makes you look thinner. Okay, your butt’s silhouette will be visible but from the back, your rear will look smaller if you do the black thing. (See also, point 3.)

4. Wearing patterns
Some muppet came up with a theory that checks, florals and paisleys are so busy they disguise your derriere. Yeah, right. Patterns actually add kilos. And horizontal stripes add tonnes The only pattern your should remotely consider is vertical stripes.

5. Wearing high heels
They might make your legs look longer and shapelier but even low heels will make you stand up straighter and push your butt out, making it seem more prominent. It’s ballet flats all the way.

6. Distracting with bling
Glitter tirmmed pockets, sprawling script and anything at all with sequins do not belong anywhere in the vicinity of a less than miniscule derriere.

And the big one...

7. Wearing jeans
I'll give you the tip: anything other than dark, perfectly fitting low rise bootlegs or flares makes your butt look even bigger than it is. I know you would probably rather chew glass than try jeans on, but it must be done. Too tight or too loose and your jeans will not contribute to the small bum cause. High waisted jeans just make butts look longer and wider than they are (but don't buy them so low that you flash your bum crack every time you drop your pen). And if you really have to wear skinny jeans, make sure you wear chunky boots to balance out your shape. Forget stonewash or other light coloured jeans – besides the fact that they are totally last century, they make your bum cheeks look like a couple of hot air balloons.


If you’re dead set hell bent on butt minimisation, for goodness’ sake, do it properly.

But do you know what? Your butt probably isn’t that big anyway. Ask any man, he’ll tell you.

Image: Francesco Marino