Eating for free

Inspired by the story of the grim eater and by the fact that my grocery bill has risen about 30% in the last six months, I searched the web for free food ideas and here is a summary of what I found (from the semi-sensible to the desperate and disgusting).

1. Gather surplus
Know someone with a bumper crop of zucchini or tomatoes? Gardeners often need someone to offload their extras on to, especially if you cook up a nice dish and share it with them.

2. Sign up for freebies
Free offers abound on the web. Sign up for every cereal sample, muesli bar and snack that you can find, and enjoy a few meals on someone else's dollar.

3. Barter
Barter your skills and services for the foods that you need. A quick car repair or a bit of mending work could turn into your next meal. This is a sensible idea but while you’re not paying with cash, you’re still paying with time. And who has time?

4. Start a perennial garden
Annuals get all of the attention in the world of edible plants, but perennials are the real bargains. There is the small issue of start up costs to contend with but you could plant a garden of perennial herbs, vegies, fruits and legumes, and every harvest after the first will be free.

5. Visit your parents
Ah, the age-old practice of going back to your childhood home for free food. Most parents (especially mothers) wish their grown children would visit more. So, make them happy while feeding your face at the same time. While you are at it, take some laundry to throw in the wash. That will save you money on your electricity bill, as well. Besides, your Mum will probably do it for you. (Just kidding, Mum.)

Hell, while you're at it, inflict yourself and your housework on your siblings, friends and colleagues, too. Your sister could clean your shoes and your boss could wash your car. Maybe you could even shoot for aquaintance assistance. Your dentist could prepare you a roast while running your dirty dishes through her dishwasher. And your accountant - get him to wash the dog while the souffles are in the oven.

6. Donate blood
Not squeamish? Need a sugar fix? Donating blood will secure you a generous supply of cookies and juice. If the staff at the blood bank seem a bit stingy, tell them you are feeling light-headed. They don’t want you walking out the place and collapsing, so that should keep the cookies coming. In the process of procuring some free food, you will have helped to save a life. Sounds like a great way to spend an afternoon.

7. Learn about timeshare
If you have three hours to spare (yeah, right),sit through timeshare meetings and you will get something free in the end.

8. Get samples
Get free samples at the supermarket. Do you think they’d give you the demo schedule if you rang them?

9. Go to church
Festivals, meetings, openings, receptions – it seems every occasion includes food these days. Keep a look out for any event that offers free food to the public, and take advantage of it. Church events can be particularly fruitful. If God doesn’t strike you down for your ulterior motives, you’ll be all set for coffee and sandwiches after the service.

10. Say it’s your birthday
This is a great way to get a free drink, dessert or maybe even a meal at restaurants with a birthday club. Of course, you don’t have to reserve this for when it really is your birthday. However, many establishments have wised up to this trick and ask for ID, in which case you may find yourself in an uncomfortable position.

11. Forage
Learn how to identify edible foods in the wild, and enhance your diet with free-for-the-taking fruits, vegetables, mushrooms and nuts. You could even go fishing. Hmm, there’s so much wilderness in a capital city - not. If you did go further afield, you might even find some of those special mushrooms to change the colour of your impoverished day.

12. become a freegan
Where do all of those grocery store cast offs go? Usually straight to the skip bin. There's a subculture known as freeganism that attempts to put that waste to good use. Call me fussy, but I reckon if it goes in the skip bin, it stays in the skip bin.

So there you go – if you have no pride, no conscience, no sense of personal hygiene and tons of free time, you can practically eat for free. Personally, I think I’ll just buy less Chocolate teddy bears and more Home brand.

The grim eater

A funeral home has stopped a fake mourner gatecrashing funerals, eating the food on offer, and even taking home leftovers. He had a backpack filled with Tupperware containers, and when people weren't looking, he was stocking up.

The company eventually took a photo of the guy to distribute it to its branches.

The ‘grim eater’ attended up to four funerals a week during March and April this year before the funeral home stopped him. He stopped coming after a staff member took him aside, telling him he could still come to funerals but could not take food home with him.

Image: Simon Howden