Dinner parties

Aren’t dinner parties a quandary?

You use every pot and pan in the place; you spread food from floor to ceiling (and even in your hair); and you exhaust yourself shopping and cooking.

Yet, on the one afternoon both you and your kitchen look and feel like Hiroshima (after), you know that in two hours (and counting) you are meant to look as though you just stepped off the cover of Vogue; your kitchen is meant to look like a Fisher & Paykel commercial; the meal is supposed to look effortless (even though it cost you three hundred bucks before the bottle shop) but taste divine; and you are supposed to initiate and maintain polite social chit chat until your guests finally depart.

At The Monstress’ residence, the chit chat will start in approximately nine minutes. I just pray no unsuspecting guest opens the spare room door or they will be buried under an avalanche of hastily banished stray sporting equipment, umbrellas, ugly throw cushions and a still-decorated Christmas tree.

There’s only one thing for all this stress – champagne. Gimme.

Happy New Year.

Image: savit keawtavee

8 things men don’t want to hear

Over the years, I’ve noticed a few touchy subjects that are almost guaranteed to induce symptoms from selective deafness to homicidal urges in a man. Here are eight. Feel free to contribute some of your own.

1 Any stories about your ex – even if, in the story, he superglues his penis to the toilet.
2 ‘I’d say decent, average, adequate…’ Just sidestep the size issue.
3 Decisions that involve home renovations, pet acquisitions or household health kicks.
4 Exercise or diet conversations of any kind. Men want to look at your great body, not hear about the million crunches and celery sticks it took you to achieve it. Or worse, the guilty cake obsession that perpetuates the curves he loves.
5 Plans to rationalize their wardrobe. Just sneak the things with holes into the rubbish. It’s less traumatic.
6 Any details about things you considered buying but didn’t. Save shoe-longing for your girlfriends.
7 That your parents are coming to stay.
8 The word ‘fine’ by itself.

Hotmail and iPhones

What is it with Hotmail and iPhones? Like ice cream and anchovies, they just don’t mix.

The web’s bulletin boards are full of plaintive posts and weird workarounds to make Hotmail (more or less) work on an iPhone.

What the web is not full of is comment, reassurance or solutions from Microsoft or Apple.

I refuse to believe that people who are clever enough to cause a photo of the teen’s soon-to-arrive kitten to be in Geelong one second and in Hobart the next are unable to tweak said technology so that I don’t have to email the photo from my Hotmail account via Gmail.

I also refuse to believe that people who can turn my iPhone in to everything from a torch to a mirror can not spend half a nanosecond developing an app to make Hotmail work.

Is there some geeky pissing contest going on in the background that we can only guess at? If so, I wish these tossers would just build a bridge – and an iPhone app for Hotmail.


Image: Idea go

10 weird Facewaste stories

 1. In 2008, 23-year-old Lauren Michaels created a group called ‘I Need Sex’ on Facebook. Within 10 minutes, she had 35 members and soon attracted 100 — 50 of whom she eventually slept with.


2. An 18-year-old Wisconsin man posed as several different girls on Facebook to blackmail underage male teens by coaxing them to send nude photos of themselves. He could be facing up to 300 years in prison.

3. Thirty five-year-old Emma Brady was shocked by a message her husband posted on the social networking site: ‘Neil Brady has ended his marriage to Emma Brady.’ The woman said she had no idea about it until her best friend phoned her to see if she was okay.

4. In 2009, an EMT at a crime scene took a cell phone picture of the body of a New York woman who had been strangled and beaten and then posted it on his Facebook profile. He was later arrested on charges of official misconduct and was fired from his job.

5. A 39-year-old Pennsylvania father was arrested for openly asking his 13-year-old daughter for sex over Facebook.

6. Nathalie Blanchard, a 20-year-old IBM employee in Canada, lost sick leave benefits from her insurer because her Facebook page showed ‘cheerful’ photos while she was on paid sick leave for depression.

7. On 1 July 2009, shortly after Michael Jackson passed away, his page became the most popular page on Facebook. Previously, the most popular person on Facebook was U.S. President Obama with just over 6 million fans.

8. A Facebook post in December 2009 led to a kidney donation.

9. ‘Where's my pancakes?’ 19–year-old Rodney Bradford typed one Saturday moring. The day after, he was arrested as a suspect in a robbery. He successfully used the Facebook entry as his alibi.

10. What is the groom supposed to do after the vows? Before kissing the bride, Dana Hanna, a software developer, took out his mobile and updated his relationship status on Facebook and Twitter.


Image: graur codrin

8 Facewaste facts

We all love a bit of Facewaste from time to time. Here are nine Facebook facts.

1. In 2003, Harvard student, Mark Zuckerberg created Facemash, where he placed photos of undergraduates side by side so viewers could rank which one was ‘hotter’. Zuckerberg would later turn Facemash into the now ubiquitous Facebook.

2. If Facebook were a country, it would be the fifth-largest country in the world, after China, India, the U.S. and Indonesia.

3. People upload more than 2.5 billion pictures to Facebook each month.

4. The average Facebook user:
• has 130 friends
• sends eight friend requests per month
• spends more than 55 minutes a day on the site
• uses the ‘Like’ button nine times a month
• writes 25 comments each month.

5. Among children under 18, Facebook was ranked third in the top 100 searches of 2009, behind YouTube and Google. Sex and porn rounded out the top five.

6. The New Oxford Dictionary announced that the 2009 Word of the Year was ‘unfriend’ but there is some debate about whether the word should be ‘defriend’ – I personally prefer ‘defriend’ and I also think there should be a word to describe the way children friend their parents on a tame and censored version of their Facebook page while banning them from seeing what’s really happening on their ‘real’ Facebook page (and think their parents haven’t wised up to what’s going on). ‘Subterfuge’ might be a good start.

7. Around 70% of Facebook users are outside the United States.

8. In Australia, you can legally serve court notices to defendants on Facebook. A summons posted on Facebook is legally binding.


If you're bored, check out lamebook.com – a regularly updated site that reposts lame and funny Facebook user posts.

15 random Christmas facts

1. It's unlucky to cut a mince pie with a knife.

2. In December in Tasmania, retail shopping increases by 29% – 3% more than the national average.

3. The tradition of an Australian Christmas Eve carol service lit by candles was started in 1937 by radio announcer, Norman Banks.

4. Also in 1937, the first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria.

5. Jingle Bells, one of the most popular Christmas songs, was actually written for Thanksgiviing.

6. Christmas was illegal in England from 1647 to 1660.

7. If you received all of the gifts in the song The 12 Days of Christmas, you would receive 364 gifts.

8. Contrary to common belief, poinsettia plants are non-toxic – but holly berries are poisonous.

9. More diamonds are sold around Christmas than at any other time of the year.

10. England only knew seven white Christmases in the entire twentieth century. According to the records of the Meteorological Office in London, snow fell on Christmas Day only in 1938 and 1976.

11. 70% of dogs get Christmas gifts from their owners. (Nellie always gets a dustpan and broom – her favourite item to chew. This year, she got a red one.)

12. Germany made the first artificial Christmas trees. They were made of goose feathers dyed green.

13. In 1895, Ralph Morris, an American telephonist, invented the string of electric Christmas lights. They had already been manufactured to use in telephone switchboards. Morris looked at the tiny bulbs and had the idea of using them on his tree. It's amazing the ingenuity workplace boredom can inspire.

14. People spend an average of two hours and 27 minutes wrapping presents. (I'm guessing this is generally two hours and twenty minutes for females and seven minutes for males.)

15. Early Santa pictures show him wearing a variety of different coloured coats including green, blue and mauve.

Merry Christmas!

Image: nuttakit

7 good deeds to make Christmas bearable

Feeling crap about Christmas? Here are seven ways to brighten up the festive season for yourself – and someone else.

1.      Thank people who are working – appreciate the shop assistants, taxi drivers, waitresses, police officers and service station staff who have to spend the holidays on the job.

2.      Go tourist hunting and offer to take a picture of them with their partner or group. They’re probably far away from their loved ones and may welcome a friendly face.

3.      Hand out compliments like lollies  – ‘That’s a great scarf’ or ‘Your hair colour’s terrific’ will give others a boost.

4.      Do something nice for an animal – feed the birds at the park, cuddle your neighbour’s cat or take your dog for a long walk.

5.       Buy a pack of Christmas cards (or just write e-cards) and send them to people you’re in danger of losing touch with. Tell them you miss them. Or even that you love them.

6.      Share some flowers or fruit from your garden with your neighbours. If you don’t know them, this is a great way to introduce yourself.

7.   Smile – look friends and strangers directly in the eyes and smile. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ and mean it.

Image: Simon Howden

9 things I have learnt from Winnie the Pooh

1.  Love may be forever but life is not – make the most of your time together.

If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

2. You can’t underestimate the value of anticipation.

‘Well,’ said Pooh, ‘what I like best – ‘ and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

3.  Don’t make things more complicated than they have to be.

It’s more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’

4.  Be proactive in making and maintaining friendships.

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.

5.  Simple pleasures can make all the difference.

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.

6.  There’s no shame in acknowledging your limitations.

‘Pooh,’ said Rabbit kindly, ‘you haven't any brain.’
‘I know,’ said Pooh humbly.

7.  The future won’t always take care of itself – you need to keep an eye on it.

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

8.  Inspiration, creativity and ingenuity are gifts we receive when we are open to them – and for which we should be grateful.

Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.

9.  You can find meaning in surprising places, even if you’re not looking for it.

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.

Image: luigi diamanti

Feeling fine with flunking

We’ve all heard the legendary story from IBM where a middle manager made a mistake that cost the company three quarters of a million dollars. He went to the CEO’s office to admit his mistake and took with him his resignation letter. The CEO declined to accept the letter and said, 'Why would I want to sack someone I just spent $750,000 training?'

I don’t think my boss would take such a philosophical view – but what a great story!

We’re always busting our gut to reach some destination called ‘success’. But sometimes we forget that failure is often the road we need to take to get there.

Many times the things we call ‘mistakes’ are not really mistakes at all.  They are strategies that didn’t work. Actions we took that had different outcomes from what we predicted. Thomas Edison said, ‘I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.’

Also, success is just an idea – something you made up (or, worse, something someone else made up for you). It's what you feel inside that measures your success. Don't measure your inside against someone else's outside.

Success is completely subjective. For one person, having $5,000 in the bank is the realisation of a lifelong goal; for another person, having $5,000 in the bank is a catalyst for suicide.

Even the most successful people fail sometimes. Einstein was once advised to drop out of school. Henry Ford's first car business flopped. Beethoven's music teacher told him he was a hopeless composer. And Babe Ruth struck out a record 1,300 times. Thomas Edison was considered nearly insane for his invention ideas. And Walt Disney was once fired for lack of imagination.

And finally, sometimes when we actually achieve what we set out to – that is, we succeed – we find the outcome is not what we wanted after all. Inversely, sometimes our mistakes and failures turn out to be blessings in disguise. Who knows how this turn of events will change your life path?

Here are six ways to feel okay about yourself (even if you made a big mistake):

1.   Admit it. This is no time for justifications and excuses. Bite the bullet and confess to yourself and others that you screwed up. Until you acknowledge that you blew it, you can’t move on.

2.   Make it right. This is no time for pride to get in the way. Apologise to others affected by your mistake. Make restitution, if necessary. Put strategies in place to make sure you won’t make the same mistake again. Do it over, if you can.

3.   Consider ways this mistake could help you. Did you learn something to do or not to do? Did you find out something about yourself? Did the mistake make you think about new approaches and directions for the future that you wouldn’t have considered before?

4.   Handle the fallout with, grace, dignity and aplomb. Trying to cover it up, chucking a tantrum, doing the 'woe is me' routine or throwing in the towel are not cool. Persistence and resilience are  the spades you need to dig yourself out of the hole you're in.

5.   Give yourself a compliment. Tell yourself: ‘My plan didn't work, but I learnt heaps along the way’ or ‘I really mucked that up big time but I was brave enough to step way out of my comfort zone’.

6.   Forgive yourself and let it go. No matter what mistakes you have made, you're only human. Maybe you burnt your mum's house down or ran over your neighbour's toddler. It’s absolutely normal to stuff things up from time to time. Build a bridge, baby.

Maybe there are people out there who have never made any mistakes – they are boring people with small lives. I guarantee it.

Picture this

Picture this:

I’m at my daughter’s school awards night and yet another prize winner is announced. The man in front of me raises his camera and videos the still picture of his daughter that flashes up on the big screen (a version of the one he no doubt bought back in January when school photos were taken). As an afterthought, he grabs a quick shot of the back of the minuscule blob on the faraway stage that is the real, live girl, receiving her engraved torch/photo frame/cup.

So, when he watches it on his netbook later, he'll watch a screen displaying a video of a big screen showing a copy of a photo of a girl. Am I the only one who can see something wrong with this picture?

Also, picture this:

I’m at Carols by Candlelight and a speck that is allegedly Damien Leith appears on stage. The woman behind me leaps to her feet to film – not the speck – but rather the big screen to the right of the stage on which he appears.

Question? Why didn’t she just wait for the broadcast on tellie Christmas morning and video the plasma screen in her lounge room? It would have saved her a trip to the cold, dark park.

The only thing worse than this kind of cinematic idiocy is people who hold their wedding a second time, solely because the video of the real ceremony didn’t come out.

Come on, guys. By all means, create mementos to share. But what will you really get out of hours of this meaningless digital tripe?

Image: Michal Marcol

7 things we shouldn’t throw away

You don’t have to be a rampaging greenie to do your bit for the environment. Here are seven things you can keep out of your wheelie bin to reduce landfill. Minimal effort; maximum feel good factor.

1. Plastic hand soap dispensers

Buy a reusable hand soap dispenser and purchase refills in bulk. This will not only save you money but will also add class to your bathroom.(Actually, nothing short of a blockbuster will add class to my bathroom - it's a renovator's nightmare.)

2. Takeaway coffee cups

Buy a reusable cup and take it to your fav coffee joint each time you visit – some of them even say ‘This is a reusable cup’ so you can declare your environmental commitment to the world (and so you don’t forget and throw it away by mistake).

3. Plastic shopping bags

Use reusable totes to carry your groceries. You’ll look more stylish (unless you buy those luminescent green ones, in which case, you won't) and your dog food cans are less likely to explode through the bottom of the bag and roll all over the driveway. Note: your totes are no good sitting in the boot of your car. I am a shocker for this one but I am on a mission to improve.

4. Plastic utensils

If you’re going on a picnic, take reusable cutlery. Let's face it, your quiche and strawbs will taste better from silver (or even stainless steel) than plastic.

5. Old lamps, pictures, toys, furniture and knick knacks

If you can’t eBay or garage sale them, put them in the Salvos bin. Your trash could be someone else’s treasure. (And remember this rule of thumb: the uglier the ornament, the more you can charge for it.)

6. Food scraps

Get yourself a worm farm and feed it all of your food scraps. A kilo of worms can eat and recycle a kilo of food every day. You can use the worm castings to feed your plants and vegies. Alternatively, feed your food scraps to your dog.

7. Packing supplies

Save your styrofoam peanuts and bubble wrap to reuse. Maybe use them to send the stuff you sell on eBay.


Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

***GUEST POST*** Bed linen besties

A warm welcome to Rainbow. Yes, the teen has finally deigned to contribute to The Monstress with her insights in to the mysteries of teen nicknames.

Teenagers are weird – the nicknames we acquire, even weirder.

Sheets, Pillowcase, Jazzy Jam, Livacupcake, Kettle, Lanra, Redecca. How do these names come about? Here are three explanations.

Scenario one:
Friday, second period, home group. We’re sitting at our tables thinking of a way to pass the time. ‘Let’s write upside down letters to each other!’ I screech. Being the first and only suggestion, everyone agrees.

My first recipient was Laura. Everything was going brilliantly until the last few lines: ‘… As this takes immeasurable amounts of concentration I’m going to wrap it up. Muchiful love Lanra...’ I wrote the ‘n’ up the right way instead of upside down. Laura is now widely known as ‘Lanra’.

Scenario two:
Tuesday, lunchtime, the path near the gym. Liv had a rather exquisite looking cupcake. Perfectly spiraled frosting, evenly placed flowers and a coating of hundreds and thousands. Being the most intriguing food item at the time, it started a full blown discussion/debate in relation to the ‘proper’ decoration of cupcakes. After several minutes, Liv expressed her desire to live as a cupcake. Today she is known as Livacupcake.

Scenario three:
The best friend and I were discussing last names and things associated with them. For example Macdonald and Quarter Pounder, Granger and Hermione, Christmas and baubles.

The best friend's last name being Sheridan, we came up with the association (and, inevitable nickname) Sheets. Luckily enough for us, there is also a bed linen company that bears my surname. So, together, we are now known as Sheets and Pillowcase.

As for the others, you’ll just have to use your imaginiation.

15 things you can keep in your freezer

It only takes a couple of Google results pages to realise that there is all kinds of crap in people’s freezers – animal heads, money, kittens, grandmothers…

The story that tickled my fancy was the tale of a dinner guest in Belgium who was helping clear up after a meal and thought she’d helpfully pop the leftovers in the deep freeze. She was pretty surprised to find the bodies of the host's wife and stepson in there.

Here are 15 things you can keep in your freezer (besides dead family members) from the ingenious to the plain freaking weird:

1. Candles – frozen candles burn slower.

2. Batteries – frozen batteries hold their charge for longer. Keeping NiMH batteries in the freezer can boost their life by 90%.

3. Placentas – some people freeze placentas until they are ready to plant them. (Yes, plant them. I’m serious! You can even buy an ‘I have a placenta in my freezer’ t-shirt).

4. Seeds – many seeds will last longer and germinate better once frozen.

5. Your hard drive – hard drive just won’t boot and all you hear is a clicking noise? Put the drive in a sealed plastic bag in the freezer and leave it overnight. It doesn’t always work but you could be lucky.

6. Booze – I'm told that storing cheap alcohol – not just vodka – in the freezer makes it taste smoother (and more expensive). Maybe just buy a better grade of grog?

7. Wedding cake – traditionally, brides and grooms freeze the top layer of their wedding cake until their first anniversary to get a taste of the cake they barely got to see on their wedding day.

8. Wine cubes – when you have a little wine left over (yeah, right), pour it into an ice cube tray and freeze it to use for cooking later.

9. Herbs – like (mythical) leftover wine, freeze spare fresh herbs in an ice cube tray half filled with water. Once frozen, top up the tray and freeze again.

10. Wooden items – placing a wooden item in the freezer for a couple of weeks will kill any woodworms and their eggs.

11. Spices and coffee – storing them in the freezer keeps them fresher.

12. Corn – eliminate popcorn duds by keeping your unpopped supply in the freezer.

13. Pots – if you’ve burned crud on to the bottom of a pan, put it in the freezer for a couple of hours. When burnr food freezes, it’s easier to remove.

14. Smelly things – got a musty book or a fishy plastic container? Place them in the freezer overnight. By morning they'll be fresh again.

15. Will  – put your will and any other important documents in a Ziploc bag and freeze it. If there’s a fire, they won’t burn. (Don’t forget to tell someone you trust where your will is. If you wait till you’re on your death bed to tell them, they’ll think it’s the drugs talking.)

Just for the record, my will is not in the freezer. It’s with my lawyer.

5 fun free activites

Broke? Here are five fun things to do without dough.

1. Try guerrilla gardening. Plant some flowers, a nice groundcover or even some herbs on that boring patch of grass by the roadside/waterfront/bike track. Beautify on the sly.
2. Speaking of the bike track, go biking, rollerblading or walking. Get fresh air and exercise for free.
3. Swap entertainment – trade books, music, games and movies with a friend. You both get new stuff.
4. Volunteering is not something you necessarily think of as fun but when you volunteer you get to hone your skills or learn new ones, meet people and get the warm fuzzy of having given something back to the world. Walk dogs, befriend or fund raise.
5. Have sex – its nature’s favourite fun free activity.

Image: Carl Durocher