2. Kissing your wife goodbye as you dial your girlfriend to confirm you’re en route to your root. This is not a testament to your virility – it’s a stinking stain on your soul that even Preen Ultra Degreaser won’t sort out for you.
3. Adjusting your privates – you don’t see us rearranging our breasts, do you? (And thinking that wouldn’t be a bad sight is best left to your inside voice, buddy.)
4. Picking your nose in a car – the windows are transparent, dickhead. We can see you. And when you flick/wipe it away, it doesn't evaporate. It sits there being green and germy.
5. Scratching your bum. I have one word for you: Combantrin.
6. Squeezing zits/picking scabs. Just don’t.
7. Sending us smoldering glances from a neighbouring checkout while your pregnant wife is trying to calm your screaming toddler by the exit – this does not make us want to fall in to your arms; it makes us want to shoot video and send it to your mother.
8. Leaving the toilet full of skid marks – note: if you poo, clean the loo.
9. Hawking and spitting – especially when your vile green oyster wad lands near me.
10. Insulting your wife, girlfriend or mother. It doesn’t make you manly; it makes you about as attractive as congealed baby puke.
11. Flashing your fat, furry bum crack. Put it away. And buy a belt.
12. Farting and laughing. May a rank and chunky shart descent on your undies halfway through your next job interview.
13. Farting while talking to us on the phone. What? Do you think we’re deaf?
14. Browsing porn. Get your hand off it and take it home.
15. Cruising behind a nice looking girl and yelling out every opinion and aspiration that crosses your puny mind. Tip: she’s not flattered or interested – she’s revolted and vaguely intimidated. I’m guessing that’s not the effect you were shooting for, cowboy.
16. Getting obscenely drunk (bonus fifty points on the bottom feeder scale if you puke).
17. Kicking your dog. We hope one day, while you’re passed out on the couch, it eats your face off.
18. Coughing or sneezing without covering your face. I hate to shock you, but we don't want your germs.
19. Using mugs/stationery/calendars or other items with tacky, tasteless or misogynist slogans/images (yes, Chris, we noticed that the bears on your coffee mug were fornicating – it wasn’t clever and subtle, it was pitiable and nauseating).
20. Exhibiting bad table manners – chewing with your gob open, talking with your mouth full, overstuffing your cake hole, smearing food on your face or leaving crumbs in your beard. It's not a compliment to the chef; it's an insult to humanity.
21. Foot care of any kind – trimming nails, scraping out toe jam or even massaging sweaty feet turns out stomachs. Some things are best done in private, lads.
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