What your Christmas tree says about you

Choose the answer to each of the five questions that is closest to reality and discover your Christmas spirit through your tree choices.

1. What size is your Christmas tree?
a) Below knee height.
b) Taller than a foot stool but shorter than me.
c) Enormous – practically sweeping the ceiling.
d) I don’t have a Christmas tree. (Skip the rest of the quiz and go straight to scoring.)

2. Your Christmas tree is:
a) actually a pot plant I decorated but if you squint your eyes up, it looks kind of festive.
b) plastic, from somewhere classy like Chickenfeed or The Reject Shop.
c) real, my vacuum cleaner will soon asphyxiate form pine needle inhalation.
d) Stolen. (Skip the rest of the quiz and go straight to scoring.)

3. Your tree decorations comprise:
a) a bedraggled bit of tinsel and a couple of stale candy canes.
b) colour coded balls with matching tinsel and fairy lights.
c) traditional hand carved wooden decorations handed down through my family for generations.
d) Decorations? (Skip the rest of the quiz and go straight to scoring.)

4. When you do put your Christmas tree up?
a) On Christmas Eve, if I remember.
b) Some time in the middle of December.
c) December first to make sure I celebrate the birth of Jesus for the maximum period.
d) It's still up from last year  – I just took the clothes and cobwebs off it. (Skip the rest of the quiz and go straight to scoring.)

5. What is on top of your tree?
a) A bird, deer or other animal.
b) An angel.
c) A star.
d) An upturned empty beer can.

Scoring

Mostly a’s
You’re a step up from a Grinch but your Christmas spirit could do with some serious TLC. Go and watch a schmaltzy movie or scoff some marshmallow Santas to get yourself in the mood. Alternatively, shrug, abandon the token effort and allow your inner Scrooge to shine on through.

Mostly b’s
You genuinely dig the Christmas vibe. You probably send real cards rather than e-cards and hang the ones you receive on strings around the house. You sing along to Carols by Candlelight – you know all the words to Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer (even the silly ‘like a light bulb’ ones). And when you read ‘Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus’, your eyes tear up. When it comes to being a Christmas angel, you’re the real deal. Maybe watch the news every now and again or beat yourself around the head with a large trout for a reality check.

Mostly c’s
You are what’s known as a Christmas tosser. During the festive season, you donate mega bucks to charity (counting on the tax deduction); you go to church for the business contacts; and you distribute lavish gifts (to lord it over the plebs around you). On the surface, you are brimming with Christmas cheer but you wouldn’t know the Christmas spirit if it bit you on the arse and gave you rabies. Do us all a favour, get your hand off it and just fly to Noosa for the holidays.

Any d's
You are a flag-waving, badge-wearing, card-carrying Grinch. Be proud.

For more on Christmas, see Bah! Humbug!.

Image: Salvatore Vuono