Over
the years, I’ve noticed a few touchy subjects that are almost guaranteed to
induce symptoms from selective deafness to homicidal urges in a man. Here are eight. Feel free to contribute some of your own.
2 ‘I’d say decent, average, adequate…’ Just sidestep the size issue.
3 Decisions that involve home renovations, pet acquisitions or household health kicks.
4 Exercise or diet conversations of any kind. Men want to look at your great body, not hear about the million crunches and celery sticks it took you to achieve it. Or worse, the guilty cake obsession that perpetuates the curves he loves.
5 Plans to rationalize their wardrobe. Just sneak the things with holes into the rubbish. It’s less traumatic.
6 Any details about things you considered buying but didn’t. Save shoe-longing for your girlfriends.
7 That your parents are coming to stay.
8 The word ‘fine’ by itself.
9. The words 'I'm pregnant' together
ReplyDeleteSorry, Molly. Sometimes men actually like these two words together. Or they are overjoyed by the gift of a pair of pink bootees. (Little do they consider that, one day, the cute squawking bundle of joy will become a teenager...)
ReplyDeleteBack! hoHOH let the fun times recommence..
ReplyDeleteI couldn’t just let this one go by without chiming in just a little... (^_~)
8 - The word fine is so, much, FUN though, because 'fine' doesn't mean that a woman is cool with something. It loosely translates to: "If that's what you think/want/delude then you better probe harder to find out what I REALLY think else someone's not getting any... ..dooner cover tonight.
'Fine' is fantastic, on a personal level it gives me an opportunity to charm a conversation out of you.
5 - If you ever 'rationalise' my holey Red Wings jersey, my pimp cane or my 'Sonic the Hedgehog' boxers out of my wardrobe then you'd better magic some new ones back. New ones that have custom made holes, scratches and marks on them in the same places as the originals. ..and take any thoughts of turtle necks out of your buying equations. I don’t even know if turtle necks still exists but I remember having worn one and wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled, by a really weak guy. If you wear a turtle neck and a back pack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I will take you shopping for my clothes so you can say 'fine' as much as you want, with exception to the turtle necks, everything is up for discussion.
2 – Trying to keep this (M)15+ at most, guys wish they could all sport the Prime Alabama Black Snake, when at best they hope they’ve got a Plain James or Kinky Kev. What men think about the size issue can be fudged a little... or depending on the male’s blind ego, a lot. What’s difficult is when the guy’s confident in his Proud Paul and you come in calling it an Angry Cashew.
Say the words ‘it’s a good size’ in a committed, loving relationship and you risk bringing about symptoms of early onset andropause. Throw your guy a bone and just keep patting his ego for him I’d say.
1 – Firstly, did that actually happen? Cause I can’t think of a situation.. where.. I’d need the three key COMPONENTS of that story, in the correct vicinity to one another, for that to occur. Thinking about it firstly burns my brain off, and secondly makes me wince in a manly fashion. I mean.. unless he was constructing a model ship in the bathroom and was REALLY (!!!) focused on a particularly difficult part when he realised something was... anyway, not important. I digress.
Guys don’t like thinking of their women with other men. Which admittedly is unfair cause we like to imagine you with other women all the time.. but, that’s not important right now. What I’m getting at is the ex stories raise far too many questions in the male mind. Ignorance truly is bliss. We just hope that all your ex’ were poor, socially unacceptable introverts sporting angry cashews while living in their parents’ basements. So that way, the bar is low enough for us, the man you’ve now settled for, to epically high jump over backwards, in slow motion, to chariots of fire, to land softly on to the bed we now share.
Where you love us and say fine all day, throw away our Red Wings jerseys, steal the dooner, give us the cold bum and steal our warmth.
Where we love you and want a massive TV for the boys to come around, drink and watch the soccer/football/MMA without voodoo doll torture.
Where we fail to reply when you say “geeze those shoes are so cute” and “I want a Chihuahua and a love heart shaped Jacuzzi in the ensuite we’re getting in a month” because we’re too busy ogling the same bum we hear you constantly berate yourself about.
Where you say celery and we think it’s that French dish where meat is wrapped in meat.
I could be wrong, but I think the common ground thought process between men and women is: You are with him now, none of the past matters. Where it differs is: You don’t think he has to live up to the others.
I thought of adding:
ReplyDelete9 – The car is damaged.
10 – New credit card arrivals.
11 – Asking them to take up Yoga, Pilates, Yogalates, though I’d give it a crack, flexibility rocks. Try telling them that the classes are populated almost exclusively by women in tights.
Holy Bartender x
PS If my long rants annoy, let me know.