14 November 2010

60+ words my grandmother wouldn’t understand

From ADHD to Zumba

If my grandmother suddenly came back to life, she wouldn’t have a clue what I was talking about. If I said 'Apple', she would only think fruit. Here are just a few aspects of modern life/language that would totally bamboozle her:

1. Wii/PS3/Xbox

2. Hybrid vehicle

3. Internet/world wide web/online

4. McMansion

5. Facebook/LinkedIn/MySpace/Twitter

6. Alcopop/jelly shots

7. Snail mail/email

8. Upsize

9. mp3/jpeg/mpeg4/PhotoShop file/PDF/Word document

10. Labradoodle

11. LOL/WTF/L8R/:-)

12. Torrent

13. Viral marketing

14. Text message/MMS

15. iPod/laser pointer/data projector/smart phone/netbook/laptop

16. Nicotine patch

17. Fashionista

18. Webinar/webcam/webcast

19. Safe sex

20. Sexting

21. Vuvuzela

22. Human genome sequencing

23. eBay/Google/YouTube/Wotif

24. Roller blades/Razor scooter

25. Cybersickness

26. Brangelina

27. Gen Y

28. Landline

29. Tamagotchi

30. Bluetooth

31. Jimmy Choos

32. Self-harm

33. Wiki

34. Mac/PC

35. Reality TV

36. Cola War

37. Front loader

38. CD/DVD/thumb drive

39. Cougar

40. Defriend

41. Meth/ice/ecstasy/fantasy/roofies

42. Bucket list

43. Lean Cuisine/Fantastic Noodles/Red Bull/Mount Franklin

44. GPS

45. EFTPOS/ATM

46. Plasma TV

47. Chunnel

48. Metrosexual

49. EI

50. Cloud computing

51. BPay/Paypal/internet banking

52. Muggle

53. Spray tan

54. 9/11

55. Road rage

56. Noughties

57. GFC

58. Boho

59. Windfarm

60. Blog

I had to stop, I could have gone on forever. What are your thoughts?

Image: Andy Newson

13 November 2010

6 things not to say

1. I’ll call you – don’t say it if you’re not going to do it. Where’s your integrity?

2. I want... You have to... or Give me... I would like... Could you please... May I please have... Manners, people!

3. What are you doing tomorrow? – it depends. If you have a spare ticket to an Ani DiFranco concert – nothing. If you want me to help you move house – there's a neuropsychology class I can't miss.

4. I told you so – I know you did; I was there. How about some support and empathy instead of gloating, eh?

5. Heads up, pushing the envelope, hit the ground running, on the same page or any other business jargonesque phrase masquerading as English.

6. It's not my job – try: Unfortunately, I can't help you with that. I’ll be happy to find someone who can. Or better still, just do it.

12 November 2010

Maths and The Monstress – star-crossed lovers

Maths and I were childhood sweethearts but things went sour when hormones started bursting out of my every orifice and I began to prefer men to multiples.

Everyone said Maths was good for me; that we were the perfect couple. But no one saw the barely reined antagonism and hidden aggression in this increasingly dysfunctional relationship. It was a textbook case of domestic violence. Trigonometry triggered bruises, algebra broke bones. Looking back, he almost killed me.

Hindsight: even in the beginning when the relationship seemed so idyllic, the cracks had already started to show. He introduced a few kinky multiplication problems. He said they were fun. Call me a prude, but I thought they were harmful, demeaning. ‘Everybody’s doing it,’ he told me. And it was true. But I was always going to be a plain vanilla kind of a girl. He didn't hide his displeasure.

Yes, there were good times – Maths and I cruised through quadratic equations and actually enjoyed geometry. But, as usual, the spiral of hostility cycled back around and by the time we reached probability – for the sake of my sanity and my battered self-esteem – I threatened to break it off for good. I think I meant it.

In a desperate effort to rebuild, we ditched calculus and returned to a simpler time of fractions, decimals and percentages. We signed up for counselling, and renewed and reaffirmed our commitment to one another. But we were tired – battle weary. Our hearts weren’t in it. The damage had been done and the rift was plainly irreparable. In the end, I could deny it no longer. I had failed.

So, in my seventeenth year, we parted company, quickly and bitterly, forever.

Or so I thought.

Apart from an unavoidable passing nod during household finance calculations and a cool hello during the occasional business budget, I have not laid eyes on Maths in a quarter of a century. Over the years, he's barely changed – bastard! – he’s still dangerously attractive and deceptively engaging. He has traded in his blackboard for an electronic whiteboard and his book of trigonometric tables for a scientific calculator. I have to admit that the new look suits him.

Really, that grudging concession costs me nothing. I can be gracious, momentarily stepping outside my bubble of contempt, because in the next instant, I can forget him again. Dismiss him instantly and effortlessly from my life like a stray hair from my brow or an unwanted contact from my iPhone.

Such was my illusion of safety.

Last week, to my horror, I found myself staring at him across the Boardroom table. RG146 – my employer inspired financial planning qualification – means we are forced to spend two weeks together, practically joined at the hip. It’s a situation worthy only of a really trashy romance; clichéd and contrived enough to make me puke.

In this love story, though, there will be no reconciliation (he likes his women young and impressionable and I like my enemies toasted for breakfast).There will be only icy politeness and brittle congeniality. I will dredge up sufficient civility to ensure that, this time, I get what I want. I can only hope he will see that it’s in his best interests to cooperate. I am not above playing dirty, if that’s what it takes. I still have the evidence and I lost my qualms years ago.

I’m not asking for an old-times'-sake fling, a charitable donation or a rose garden, for that matter. I just want what's rightfully mine  – what I deserve – what I always deserved. I want to pass. And I'll leave him no choice but to help me.

And so begins the temporary, murky and edgy alliance between Maths and The Monstress.

11 November 2010

Can you find chocolate with your nose?

If you were blindfolded and wearing earplugs, could you follow a chocolate aroma with only your nose to guide you? Research shows, most of us could.

Some of my favourite smells belong to hot things – clothes being ironed, freshly baked bread, paper rolling off a printing press. There is one more favourite but it’s a bit more complex.

Everything from whales to bacteria can smell. Although the human sense of smell is shabby compared to that of many animals, it is still very keen. And women have better senses of smell than men, especially in the first half of their menstrual cycles. An area of your brain the size of a postage stamp can process 10,000 different smells.

You can detect odours even in microscopic quantities. For example, if you put a drop of androstenedione (a compound in human sweat) in an Olympic swimming pool, you can tell the difference between the pool with the drop and the pool without it.

Police in the Netherlands have capitalised on the power of human smell, recently handing out 30,000 scratch 'n' sniff cards, so citizens can tell if their neighbours are growing something they shouldn't be.

Newborn infants locate their mothers’ nipples by smell. And as children grow, they learn to identify many more scents. However, after puberty, your sense of smell deteriorates.

Surprisngly, the human nose is the main organ of taste as well as smell and your smell cells are replaced every 28 days. The tastebuds on our tongues can only distinguish four qualities – sweet, sour, bitter and salt. All other ‘tastes’ are detected by the olfactory receptors in our noses. For example. 'strawberriness' and 'mintiness' rely on the nose, not the tongue. I’m guessing this is why some people with food allergies have reactions even if they only smell the foods they’re allergic to.

Schizophrenics, depressives, migraine sufferers and very-low-weight anorexics often experience deficient or dysfunctional senses of smell. Zinc supplements and acupuncture can sometimes help. Smoking is widely believed to reduce your sense of smell but this is not always the case. On the flipside, blind people do not necessarily have a keener sense of smell than sighted people.

To complicate things further, a smell is not always just a smell. Many stinky substances activate not only the olfactory system but also the ‘somatosensory’ system – the nerve endings in our noses which are sensitive to things like temperature and pain . This is why ‘anosmics’ – people who have completely lost their sense of smell – can still detect scents like menthol.

Your sense of smell is strongly connected to your memory. For instance, the smell of popcorn could remind you of your first kiss at the movies.

Which reminds me of my other favourite smell. Interestingly, I only catch it once in a blue moon. When I attended pre-school, lunch was a picnic made up of everyone’s food shared between all the students. The scent of it was some mixture of peanut butter, celery, bread and fruit. Occasionally, I’ll be walking down a city street and that smell will waft by. I’ll try to pause and catch it but it never lingers. But every time, I am drawn back to being three and learning ‘la vache’ and ‘l'oiseau’, making God’s eyes while someone read to us and painting with powder paint (which has a memorable smell of its own).

So, there you have it. Your nose sits in the middle of your face, quietly going about its business all day, every day. Now, you know what it does.

Your smellprint
Like your fingerprint, how you smell is unique. No two people have the exact same pong. Your smellprint is determined by  factors including genes, the environment, diet, medicines, your emotional state, your skin type and even the weather.

Image: Tina Phillips

10 November 2010

6 financial lessons from the cartoons

Are you still reeling from the GFC? You could be forgiven for feeling a bit woozy after a hammering from the not-quite-recession and the head-spiining rebound to fiscal health (last week, the Aussie dollar exceeded parity with the US dollar).

These lessons from our favourite cartoon characters will help you take advantage of the strong Aussie dollar and grow your money.

1. Wile E. Coyote – mail order is good. eBay junkies rejoice. Imports are cheaper than ever. (But probably avoid ACME products – the devices invariably fail improbably and spectacularly causing you to be burnt to a crisp or squashed flat at the bottom of a canyon).

2. Bugs Bunny – ‘What's up, doc?’ Now’s the perfect time to give your finances a health check. Do you have ‘bad’ debt like credit cards you need to pay off? Are your investment choices right for your life stage? Do you have insurance to protect your financial assets? Give your savings a shot in the arm and trade your carrots for carats.

3. Dora the Explorer – Dora embarks on a trip in every episode. Take a leaf out of her book and travel, travel, travel – especially to the US or even Asia where the greenback is used as currency. In these places, you’ll get heaps more bang for your buck, right now.

While the Aussie dollar has firmed against the euro and the British pound, the rise is not as sharp, but your credit card might have a smaller meltdown over the price of a plate of paella in Spain.

And with about 70% of all overseas travel from Australia being to our neighbours, the good news is that the AUD has strengthened against the New Zealand dollar too.

4. Felix the Cat – get a bag of tricks together. Buy a reputable 'how to' book like Nice girls don't get rich, skim the finance pages or see a financial planner to collect strategies (like salary sacrificing or transition to retirement), entitlements you may be allowed and other easy-to-implement tricks of the financial trade.

5. The Grinch – In the end, Christmas rocks. Coming up to Christmas you may find goods like plasma TVs, computer gear and imported cars being sold cheaply. On the other hand, while many stores source their product overseas, many other companies such as JB HI-FI and David Jones deal with local companies who are subsidiaries of the manufacturers, so their prices are likely to be much more stable.

Nevertheless, now is a great time to bargain, as many retailers are enjoying bigger margins, so they have more room to manoeuvre on price.

6. Angelica Pickles – plot, plan and manipulate (your money, that is). Show your finances who's the boss and strategise to maximise.

09 November 2010

Inventions via grossness

It seems grossness is an excellent attribute to foster if you want to become a famous inventor. Here are four breakthroughs that happened largely because the people responsible were slobs.

Penicillin
In 1928, Scottish scientist and Nobel laureate, Alexander Fleming, returned from holidays and noticed that mould was growing in one of his dirty petri dishes. He realised that the area with the mould had no bacteria. This led him to discover that penicillin could be used to fight bacterial infections.

Note to self: don’t bother cleaning the fridge – mould is your friend.

Saccharin
Saccharin, the oldest artificial sweetener, was accidentally discovered in 1879 when researcher, Constantine Fahlberg  forgot to wash his hands before lunch. He had spilled a chemical on his hands and it caused the bread he ate to taste unusually sweet.

Another sweetener, cyclamate, was discovered by graduate student, Michael Sveda, when he smoked a cigarette accidentally contaminated with a compound he had recently synthesized.

Note to self: don’t wash your hands – and smoke your guts out.

Icy poles
Frank Epperson was just 11 in 1905 when he accidentally created the icy pole (or ‘popsicle’ as he called it). He left a mixture of powered soda and water out on his porch, leaving his stirring stick in the mixture, too. The next morning, after a record cold front. Epperson woke up to his mixture frozen on a stick.

Note to self: don’t clean up after yourself.

Corn flakes
In 1894, Seventh Day Adventists, Dr John Harvey Kellogg and his brother Will accidentally left some boiled wheat out and it went stale. Rather than throwing it away, the brothers sent it through rollers, hoping to make long sheets of dough, but they got flakes instead. They toasted the flakes and fed them to the patients at their sanitarium (as you do). When they replicated the process with corn, corn flakes were born. So, there you go, next time you leave food out and it goes stale, consider the possibility of making a fortune before you chuck it out. Congealed egg balls, anyone? Dried cheese strips? Curdled milk globs?

Note to self: don’t put food away.

08 November 2010

7 texts not to send – ever


1. The breakup text
If you’re going to kill the relationship, do it in person. Text to set up a time and place to talk, but do the guillotine routine schnoz to schnoz.

2. The pissed off text
If you regret sending it later, it’s hard to reframe 'you lying, cheating seagull turd' when you've written it down. Save the sentiment for later when you can hash it out then kiss and make up.

3. The health issue text
Don’t text your HIV status or your schizophrenia diagnosis. Get the support you need with a face-time talk.

4. Another text
If you’re texting him 24/7 and getting angry because he’s not replying at the speed of light, you have issues. Get help – or a career as a telemarketer.

5. The coming out text
A coming out text can be seen as the close of the conversation as opposed to the start of an ongoing dialogue. How will you feel if they don't respond? If you're ready to come out, tell them face to face.

6. The text while driving
Duh – crashing and dying (or killing someone else) to win half a pencil in some lame radio competition? Not cool. Wait until you pull over.

7. The drunk text
Phones should come with breathalyzers. I don't care how well you hold your booze, after three drinks, forget it or regret it.

Image: br3akthru