False advertising

Dear [department store],

I recently bought a pair of your self-branded opaque tights. Quite apart from the fact that they feel as though they were woven from a lurex/barbed wire blend; the knit is so loose, you could identify a bank robber through them.

Furthermore, aren’t tights meant to be...um...tight? By five minutes in to my walk to work, they had worked their way down my legs creating a saggy-crotched/bum crack exposing fit that would done a tradey or a hip hop enamoured teen proud. I even had the bogan-esque thong exposure going on.

My drooping drawers would have looked most unflattering had all this movement not been happening discreetly under my skirt. What was not so discreet was the fact that I had to stop at a convenient bench, unload my two bags, take off my fur-lined gloves and hitch the tights up in an urgent and most unladylike fashion, for fear that they would fall all the way down and tangle around the tops of my knee-highs, exposing my thighs to the elements (and the passing traffic) and my pride to a public shredding.

I suggest you remove these items from your shelves before someone sues you for false advertising; or rename them ‘looses’.

The Monstress