This advice is not the usual 'write a list' garbage. These are seven gentle mental gymnastics tricks that might help you shred a quarter off the total at the bottom of your docket, too.
1. Don’t buy junk food to ease your conscience – a box of Magnums will not make you a better parent. A giant Aero bar will not undo the fact that you missed your child’s band concert and a Dolly magazine will not compensate even slightly for the new fashion item/iPhone/Wii that ‘everyone else has’ and that you did not buy for her.
2. Don’t buy goodies in the hope of getting love, admiration or thanks in return. Forget the treats – children don’t grow an appreciation gene until they can vote. Yes, they will like the donuts. Yes, they will scoff the donuts. No, they will not give you a moment’s gratitude, save the cursory ‘thanks’ that stops you refusing to buy more donuts on the grounds of bad manners. Your partner won’t love, admire or thank you for treats because by the time they get to the pantry, the kids will have devoured the lot.
3. Don’t buy munchies because you are hungry. If you’re smart, you’ll eat before you shop. And if you happen to shop hungry, keep in mind that a frozen pizza, a kilo of chicken breasts and a packet of triple chocolate sponge pudding mix are going to do bugger all to assuage your appetite in the next half an hour. Wait til you get home and eat an apple - or even a peanut butter and choc-chip muffin.
4. Don’t buy anything to elevate your mood – this is what exercise, rom coms and Lovan are for. If you’re sad, phone your mum for a virtual hug – don’t shop. If you’re pissed off, kick a tyre or yell at the dog – don’t shop. If you’re depressed, call Lifeline – don’t shop. If you must shop when you feel like something you scraped off the bottom of your Nikes, remind yourself repeatedly that iced buns, sports socks and a three-pack of aloe vera tissues will not make you happy.
5. Don’t attribute human qualities to your pets. Your dog doesn’t care whether the treat she gets is the size of a marble or a ruler – she likes it regardless, so buy small things to make them last longer. Your budgie cannot tell the difference between designer birdseed and the plain brand stuff. It’s a bird. It cares about surviving, not pretty packaging. Your cat does not give two hoots whether or not you buy it a stuffed mouse filled with catnip. If you don’t buy the mouse, the cat will chase leaves or moths instead. You buy cat toys to make yourself feel good, not to please the cat (see item 4).
6. Don’t impulse buy useless crap at the supermarket. If it’s not on your list, red warning lights should flash and piercing alarms should shriek in your mind when you even think about putting the item in your trolley. Generally speaking, sheets, towels, toys, books, ornaments (especially ornaments), clothing and storage solutions are better purchased elsewhere after some research and thought, not impulse bought at Woollies because you stumbled across them and needed an instant retail high. When you unpack that pink bathmat at home, you know it’s going to look cheap and nasty, fade faster than a bedroom scene in a PG movie and end up in the bin quicker than a used rubber.
7. Don’t buy things to make yourself feel posh. Your family doesn’t care whether the meal is gourmet and contains rare African artichokes that took you hours to prepare. They’re just hungry and they want to shovel something down, right now, so they don’t miss Neighbours/hockey/a message from Harriet. And by the time you actually have to cook the wretched gastronomic extravaganza, you’ll feel tired and fed up and wish you’d gone with a spag bog that you could (and sometimes do) make in your sleep. If you give them something nutritious but cheap, quick and bland (frozen mixed vegies and pre-fab rissoles), nine times out of ten, they will cover it in barbecue sauce and eat it without a peep of complaint. Because they just don't notice.
Let me know how you go with your next grocery shop - or share some supermarket mindset manoeuvres of your own.
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