Say it again, Sam

‘What?’

‘Huh?’

‘Stop mumbling!’

‘There is nothing wrong with my hearing.’

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People (mostly men) would rather admit to having contracted gonorrhoea than having developed a hearing impairment. Don a hearing aid? They would prefer to wear a nappy...on the outside...to a business meeting.

My dad can barely hear. Watching him negotiate conversations is like watching a toddler cross the West Gate freeway. He claims he can’t afford a hearing aid. (Did I mention he’s travelling Europe on holiday as I write this?)

Growing up, my sisters and I made it a sport to mutter things about my father, right in front of him, that he had no hope of catching. (‘That wrap-around baldy hairstyle sure looks spunky’; 'God I wish I had a lumpy shit-brown jumper like that'; 'Quick, somebody fish in the Steradent and hide his teeth'.)

A couple of my friends (both men, as it happens) tell similar stories about their fathers and, over the years, we’ve had some good laughs about the ridiculous behaviour of our paternal parents as they dodge deafness discussions and jump through convoluted conversational hoops to avoid at all costs wearing a hearing aid.

Now, no doubt as a result of house-shaking stereo volumes and deafening machinery, I think these two friends are slowly but inexorably losing their hearing.

But I am wrong – just ask them. And they’ll tell you...if they hear your question.

The clues are bigger than Dumbo's auditory appendages: they don’t always respond when I speak to them, they sometimes bluff answers when asked a question, they can’t always identify unexpected sounds and they ask me to repeat myself frequently.

Further, for some time, I thought one of my work colleagues had a superiority complex that made mine look like a minor bandaid-able affliction. Then, one day, while he was fixing my computer, fiddling with cables under the desk, I told him my phone was also playing up. I went in to considerable detail about the nature and duration of the problem. He left without fixing the phone and I thought he might log the problem with the IT helpdesk or come back later to repair it.

When nothing had eventuated by that afternoon, I asked him how I should go about getting my phone fixed and he said ‘Is your phone not working?’

Not aloof, I’m figuring – just deaf.

Maybe what drives these people is a fear of looking different, a fear of looking old or a fear of looking as though they have a disability (notice the common element here?). Or maybe they don’t realise how bad their hearing loss is or that it is causing problems in their daily interactions.

The solution to this deafness denial, I reckon, is to make hearing aids the latest must-have fashion accessories. They need to be the new Fossil wristwatches, the new Dunhill tie bars, the new Gucci glasses.

Marketers need to make hearing aids so ubiquitous, so attractive, so hip and so desirable that even people who can hear perfectly will want them.

I can just see the conversations now:

‘...don’t you think, Marjorie?’

‘Eh?’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake. Where’s your hearing aid? I’ve told you a million times you don’t have to take it off with your rings when you do the laundry.’

‘Oh my god. I’m turning in to a fashion fiasco. Yesterday, I forgot my scarf and the day before I went out without my mascara. Now I’ve left my hearing aid at home...’

And this:

‘Pass us another beer, will you, Tom? Hey, the missus was saying Harris Scarfe has sunglasses and hearing aids discounted this week.’

‘Really? Terrific. I left my Bollés on Frank's yacht last week and I could use a spare hearing aid. Maybe something in red with studs.’

With up to 22% of adult Australians having significant hearing loss, it’s important we add a massive cool factor to hearing solutions.

I said, ‘With up to 22% of adult Australians having significant hearing loss, it’s important we add a massive cool factor to hearing solutions.’

Of course there’s nothing wrong with your hearing.

3 (fairly dreadful) ear jokes

Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.
It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"

Q. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A. Data transfer.


Image: Yaron Jeroen van Oostrom