27 September 2010

Top 10 things not to eat on your first date

On her first dinner date with my father, my mother ordered spaghetti bolognaise…and immediately wished she hadn’t. My dad's too polite to say more and they ended up getting married, so it can’t have been that bad. But I do have a vision of slurpy sauce-coated pasta slopping down her chin.

A first date is stressful enough without worrying about tricky utensils, flying food, smears on your face, gunk in your teeth or bad breath. Think carefully about the implications of your order before you make your selection. Aside from stringy pasta, here are 10 menu items that should send you running.

1. Pesto anyone? Not unless you want your smile to look like a shrubbery. Avoid any clingy, leafy greens including spinach, seaweed and coriander.

2. Poppy, strawberry and sesame seeds are harder to dislodge than the aforementioned greenery. This goes double if you have braces.

3. Corn on the cob is a horror show waiting to happen. Not only will the kernels get stuck in your teeth, there’s no neat way to eat them and chances are you’ll end up with butter dribbling down your chin.

4. Garlic and onions - either of these pongy culprits could ruin any chance of a goodnight kiss.

5. Tacos ¬ putting your tacos together makes it hard to focus on your date. Tacos also have a massive potential slop-on-shirt factor.

6. Asian food - unless you’re confident with chopsticks. Eating Chinese with a fork looks uncouth and pathetic.

7. Spicy foods - gasping for breath, turning an interesting shade of beetroot, sweating and gulping your drink is not sexy.

8. A Big Mac.If you are on a first date at McDonald’s and you are old enough to watch an M-rated movie, this is utterly lame. If fast food was your date’s idea, ditch him. Now. Forever. If it was your idea, just go and shoot yourself.

9. Lobster - the other end of the spectrum but also fraught. Yes, it will look like money is no object but it stinks and it is harder to eat nicely than corn on the cob. You need a bucket of breath mints and a bib to even attempt lobster.

10. Beans - beanz meanz fartz. You don’t want to spend the post-dinner movie blasting the big brown horn.

Image: Paul

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