How far will you go to look younger?

I was at a dinner last Saturday and a couple of women at my table told me how great I was looking and asked me what the secret to my fantastic skin was.

You could have flattened me with a feather.

Apart from smoking for more than 25 years, my secret is Nivea Visage (about $7 from the supermarket), another supermarket brand if it’s on special or even an economy bottle of Homebrand Sorbolene with vitamin E when that runs out.

I did buy some Roc on Brands Exclusive but even though it makes my skin feel soft, it smells more like tinea ointment than face cream, so I tend not to use it. Maybe it’s working by osmosis from its perch on the bathroom window sill.

So, is there any point spending bucket loads in Priceline?

Expensive face creams that claim to get rid of wrinkles are a waste of money and are no more effective than cheap moisturisers according to tests by UK mag, Which? Forty eight women tested the 12 best-selling anti-wrinkle products. After a month of using a cream from an unmarked pot, only one in five women said costly brands improved their skin. But a third of the cheap cream testers noticed a difference.

Some of the dear ones even caused side-effects, like rashes and spots (I learnt from experience never to try new cocoa butter cream immediately before a party).

Bird poo, sperm, mercury and placenta — are there no bounds to how far women will go to look younger?

It seems not.

If you thought things were out of control with collagen injections and Botox, the newest products promising an immediate anti-ageing effect are synthetic snake venom and actual bee venom.

Then there are ‘vampire fillers’ where a doctor takes your blood and spins it in a centrifuge to extract the plasma. They then injects it below the skin to stimulate collagen. This procedure costs around $2,000 and lasts less than a year. Doctors admit there’s no guarantee the treatment will have any effect at all. (If you think this sounds like a great idea, I've got a really cool briidge I can sell you.)

And for something even more full on, consider stem-cell sculpting where a doctor removes fat from your body under local anaesthetic, then processes it to isolate the stem calls. The concentrated cells are then mixed back with some of the fat and injected into your face. The cost is between $5,500 and $9,500, presumably depending on how haggard you are to start with. The results last at least five years.

Of course, we haven’t even touched on carving up your face with a scalpel and putting it back together again like some macabre jigsaw.

I think I’ll just stick with the Nivea, thanks. But I have quit the fags.


Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Monstress little question #1

Why QWERTY?

Ever wondered why your keyboard doesn’t just flow alphabetically like your phone?

Christopher Latham Sholes, a newspaper editor and printer from Milwaukee, invented the QUERTY keyboard in 1873.

He started out with letters and numbers more or less in order along the lines of a piano keyboard.

However, when the user pressed neighbouring keys at close to the same time, the metal arms the characters were mounted on jammed together.

Chris separated commonly used letter-pairs (like ‘th’ and ‘st’) so they wouldn’t clash – a bit like a teacher with naughty children really.

After six years of trial and error, he arrived at something close to what we use today.

When Remington bought the manufacturing rights, their adjustments included placing the ‘R’ key where the full stop had been, so sales staff could impress customers by pecking out the brand name ‘TYPE WRITER’ from one keyboard row.

On Tuesday, I went to Hell

Dear [local government body],

Here is my idea of Hell: sitting trapped for four and a half hours in a large room full of strangers with no food, coffee or even water and nothing to do but listen to a succession of amateur musicians maim and torture perfectly innocent pieces of music.

You provided me with this experience on Tuesday evening.

Here are some thoughts around improving your Eisteddfod:

1. Call me over sensitive, but stationing a couple of surly old women on desk and door duty does not make for the warmest welcome one could envisage. Further, closing the door and having them guard it like rabid bulldogs during performances could be construed as slightly condescending, aggressive and offensive. Personally, I’d choose a committee of Rick Springfield and his clone in strategically torn jeans to greet and seat, but failing that, someone with half a smile and no God-complex would be an improvement.

2. Consider this: the success of your event is reliant on parents -
• allowing their children to participate
• giving up their regularly scheduled evening laundry/gaming/cardio sessions/television to ferry their children to and from your venue
• (often) staying to support the proceedings.

Bear in mind that these parents have only their mobile phone apps (on silent) to interrupt the tedium of shrieking piccolos and oom-pa-pa-ing euphoniums (not to mention scraping chairs, clanging music stands and the occasional collapsing drum kit).

Pop quiz:

Do you seat the parents at the front of the room where at least they can pick their children out from the sea of tubas and cymbals on stage or do you herd them like cattle to a designated area of rock hard plastic chairs at the rear of the room?

Think about it.

Hint: cushions are your friend.

3. Instead of soliciting prize donations from service clubs and charging fifty cents for a photocopied sheet of paper masquerading as a program to raise funds for your event, sell food and coffee. You have a captive (and largely desperate) audience of parents, rellies, friends (and other hangers on who couldn’t think of an excuse for non-attendance fast enough). By nine o’clock, they would pay almost any money for a dry ham and cheese sandwich and a piss weak instant coffee, if only to break the interminable monotony. This opportubnity is a fundraiser's wet dream.

4. It’s clear that you are music zealots. This is fine. I am a tolerant person, all for diversity and harmony. However, it would be preferable if you did not inflict your fervor on unsuspecting adult community members. Some people have a life outside music. They have dinners to cook, families to care for, sleep to be enjoyed. Is it really necessary to have 762 eisteddfod sections? Word of the day: downsize.

5. Further, do not infect impressionable children with your zeal. Music is not the centre of their universe. They also have sport, homework and chores to deal with. Occasionally, they need to eat and sleep.

6. I know it’s nice for the soloists to have an audience, but sandwiching – count ‘em – SEVEN of them between the band sections reeks of rent-a-crowd. It’s one thing to listen to my own child – listening to some stranger’s brat annihilate Debussy is a cruel and unusual punishment for an unsuspecting citizen. Without this musical detour, I could have been home with a chicken burger and a glass of sav blanc ninety minutes earlier.

7. Fact: many students who perform in one section, also perform in other sections. Sometimes, they perform in five or six sections. Short lesson in cause and effect: children who perform three nights running become tired. Tired children are cranky. Cranky children irritate their parents. Irritated parents swear up and down there will be no eisteddfod participation next year. Tip: rethink your scheduling.

8. Pointed question: does it really take the adjudicator 10 minutes to figure out whether a band comprises mainly gifted protégés or talentless dolts?

9. Begging audience members to stay when you are already running an hour and a half late and it is past most of the parents’ bedtimes is pitiful. Don’t do it.

10. Three hundred females. Two toilets. Do the math.

Yours,

The Monstress


Image: Pixomar

*GUEST POST* Kaitie’s blind date no-nos

A big welcome to Kaitie who is developing many new talents, from buying frilly blouses to blogging. Today, we are privileged to enjoy Kaitie’s inaugural foray in to Monstress-land as she shares her sage advice on blind dating:

DON’T:

1. Compare
When you're teeing up the date, don’t compare yourself to anyone famous. ‘I am Emily Deschanel meets David Boreanaz,’ is something my ego can definitely handle, but my date wouldn’t recognise me in a fit. If you really look like Jessica Alba or joke like Will Ferrell, let your date enjoy the happy surprise.

2. Wear crap
Don’t spend the whole night remembering not to raise your arm because a moth ate your shirt’s armpit or monitoring how many bites of lettuce you can ingest before your dress bursts like the Hoover Dam.

3. Talk exes
Don’t mention your last boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/booty call six hundred times…or even once, if you can help it.

4. Succumb to ego
Don’t talk about yourself too much. Paradoxically, one of the best ways to get someone to pay attention to you is to ask them lots of questions. The other advantage of this cunning tactic is that you get to find out about them and figure out if you actually like them.

5. Crystal ball gaze
Don’t wistfully mention baby names you adore or what colour you want to paint your picket fence. We all know it is important to find out if possible relationship candidates share the same goals, but not on the first date…or even the second. And when you do go the goal route, maybe start with your next DVD purchase or your new cardio program. 

6. Wander
Don’t check out other people. Imagine your date saying, ‘You know, if you hurry, you can get that babe to autograph the bucket of drool you’re accumulating, as we speak. Go ahead, I’ll wait.’ Not cool.

7. Drink too much

Think Blind date with Kim Basinger and Bruce Willis. She is the girl of his dreams until, at his prompting, she has a bit too much champagne. Before you know it, he’s lost his suit, job, apartment, car and reputation. Okay, this is over the top, but throwing up in his car or passing out on her front porch are not going to win you any brownie points.

8. Assume

Don’t assume your date will grab the bill. No matter who invites whom, it’s always a nice gesture to offer to pay for half. If you really loathe your date, think of paying your share as tidying up loose ends.

9. Boink

The first date rule is the first date rule for a reason. Girls: don’t give away your mystique too soon. Guys: don’t be sleazy. Anticipation is the name of the game. Besides, sometimes it takes three meets to realise your date is a neurotic emotional vampire with the IQ of a Brussels sprout and a fetish for licking inflatable pool toys.

20 things you never wanted to know about giraffes

The giraffe is my daughter’s and my mother’s favourite animal. This lofty feat of natural engineering is simulatneouslty stunning and ridiculous. Here are 20 facts about the giraffe:

1. The Egyptian hieroglyph for giraffe means ‘to prophesy’ or ‘to foretell’. Experts believe the animal was given this hieroglyph because of its acute eyesight.

2. An adult giraffe’s purplish black tongue is prehensile and measures 67 centimetes.

3. While giraffes are often silent, they are not mute. They can make bleating and bellowing noises that we can hear and also make sounds at frequencies not audible to us.

4.  Ola Helland, a 25-year-old web designer, was out drinking when his friend, Jørgen, refused to believe that Ola could collect a million giraffes by the end of 2010, but Ola proved him wrong.

5. Each giraffe has a unique coat pattern.

6. The giraffe has seven vertebrae in its neck, just like most other mammals.

7. Giraffes have elastic blood vessels in their necks to help them lean their heads down to drink. If they didn’t they’d pass out each time they tried to get water from a stream.

8. If you dream about a giraffe it means you need to consider the big picture. The dream may also be a metaphor for how you are ‘sticking your neck out’ for someone. If you’re riding a giraffe, you want attention, but aren't getting it.

9. Giraffes have no tear ducts – but people have seen them cry.

10. Even though they appear lanky, a giraffe's legs are very powerful and a single kick can decapitate a lion.

11. The Toys ‘R’ us giraffe mascot is called Geoffrey.

12. A giraffe eats about 64 kilos of foliage a day.

13. A giraffe's favorite food is the thorny acacia tree and some seeds germinate only after passing through the giraffe's digestive tract.

14. Giraffe’s have antiseptic saliva that helps thorn-inflicted wounds on their tongues to heal quickly.

15. Last year, police in Oregon, USA, saw drunken Sean McDowell, 24, pick up a 1.3 metre tall toy giraffe outside a shop and simulate sex with it. Twice. Maybe he had struck out with all the women at the bar and this giraffe was looking pretty good.

16. Giraffes sleep for between 20 minutes and two hours a day.

17. There are nine giraffe species.

18. In Africa you can still find giraffe meat on some menus (for example, red wine giraffe steak with tomatoes and fresh herbs).

19. Giraffes don’t bathe.

20. If you want to catch a giraffe, don’t chase it for too long or it will have a heart attack, due to its high blood pressure.


Image: Gidion Lubbe

What your dreams mean

I’m a big believer in the power of dreams. Here are the meanings of six common dreams:

Chase
In chase dreams, you are running away from an attacker, an animal, a monster (or your mother wielding a wooden spoon) who wants to hurt or kill you (or smack your bum for sitting on the terrarium and breaking it). Ask yourself if there is something stressful in your life (maybe even some aspect of yourself) that you are running away from. It might be time for a confrontation.

Exam
You're doing a test but you can't answer any questions, the paper is in Klingon, you are running out of time or your pen keeps turning in to a banana. Maybe you arrive late and miss the exam. These dreams mean you are lacking confidence and self-esteem, that you feel unprepared and that you think people are judging you. Stop worrying about whether you are good enough. You are.

Falling
Falling dreams show you’re feeling overwhelmed and out of control about something in your life, for example, your overflowing inbox, your credit card balance or that entire tub of Valhalla Blackberry Cheesecake ice cream you ate last night.

The good news is, contrary to an urban myth, you will not die if you don’t wake up before you hit the ground.

Flying
Flying dreams are exhilarating, joyful, and liberating. They show you’re on top of a situation, you have risen above something or you have gained a new perspective on things. Flying dreams celebrate your personal sense of power.

If you can’t control your flight or you run in to obstacles like mountains, power poles or Blahniks the size of skyscrapers, someone or something is standing in your way in your waking life.

If you are afraid of your flight, you may fear success. Perhaps you should hold off on taking the next step.

Naked
You’re at work, waiting in the coffee queue or just walking down the street and you suddenly realise that you are starkers! This dream means you’re feeling vulnerable, defenseless and afraid of being exposed. Maybe you are afraid to show your real feelings. Perhaps you fear being unmasked as a fraud. Or maybe you are hiding something that you fear might be revealed. Get that dirty secret out of the closet and on to the front page and you'll feel much better. Go on, admit it, you've always wanted to rob a bank just to see if you could.

Teeth
If your teeth crumble in your hands, fall out one by one with just a light tap, grow crooked or rot, you may be anxious about how people see you, especially in a sexual light. Losing teeth might also suggest you feel powerless. Alternatively, maybe you're just overdue for a dental check up.


While these basic meanings can be helpful, I find it’s also useful to pay attention to how I feel in my dreams and to think about the personal connotations of the dreams’ subject. Symbols can be highly individual – what a mouse, a book or a helicopter means to me may be something totally different for you. (And, Mum, I didn't break the terrarium - I was covering for someone else.)

For more on dreams, visit my favourite dream dictionary.


Image: Filomena Scalise

Are you stupid?

I understand that sometimes you are just too close to events to know if you are truly stupid. And sometimes you are just too stupid to know if you are truly stupid.

Answer these nine questions to find out:

1. Have you ever shredded someone’s entire wardrobe, ordered 20 pizzas and had them delivered to someone’s house or super-glued parts of another person's anatomy together?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just bitter. Stalking is so undignified. Face facts and move on.

2. Have you ever flashed your bare chest at passing traffic, drunk a bottle of Tabasco sauce, eaten cat food, shaved off your eyebrows or phoned a death threat through to The Lodge?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just competitive. You don’t have to do every dare that comes your way, you know. ‘Prudence’ is not a dirty word. (And if you don't quit with the death threats, someone will come and arest you.)

3. Have you ever lit your farts, had a coin or a pencil stuck up your nose or shaken up someone’s Coke?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just immature. Grow up, already.

4. Have you ever believed the government would save your butt from marauding aliens, decided to investigate a strange noise and been maimed by creatures from outer space or tried to buy your way on to an escape spaceship as earth disintegrates around you?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just delusional. Reality check: you are not a character in a sci fi movie. Get back to work.

5. Have you ever sat in your car in the middle of a busy parking lot and when a car passed, pointed a hair dryer at it; gone to a toy store, found items that make noise and sat in the middle of an aisle pressing all of the buttons over and over again; stood behind a person eating a chilli dog or baked beans and made fart noises?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just sick. I have two words for you: therapy. Pronto.

6. Do you ever pretend you're a robot, try to swallow your tongue, make car noises as you walk or make Star Trek door noises by the lift?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just bored. Find something constructive to do – bake biscuits, chop some wood or discover a cure for cancer.

7. Have you ever placed every dollar you own on red, torched your house or joined a pyramid scheme?

Yes? You are probably not stupid, just greedy. News flash: get rich quick schemes don’t work. Get a piggy bank like a normal person.

8. Have you ever said ‘I just have too much going on to really get serious right now’, ‘I don’t want to fall in love with you because I can’t have you’ or ‘I’m not married in my heart’?

Yes? You are probably not stupid but you sure have a Y chromosome. Does anyone really buy these lines?

9. Have you ever pretended to sneeze on people you don't know, photocopied your butt, dyed your hair with household bleach, declared there's a bomb on your plane, burgled someone and left your ID behind or done anything that was subsequently broadcast on a funny home video TV show?

Yes? You are probably stupid.


Image: br3akthru